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Blue skies and all the sunshine.... we walk on sand. Next time, we will have bare feet. We watch seagulls fighting over a bagel {once it gets wet, they all get a piece} And we walk. Beach downloads come and we find treasures. We whisper about dreams and wishes and the release. There is an understanding. In the midst, I realize that I am starting to get my joy back It feels like lightness. {Weightlessness} It's the feeling that comes after the laughter. After you laugh so hard, you cannot breathe. And you laugh so hard, you fear you might not ever stop. {But you don't really ever want it to stop} This is the feeling of love...of soul connection...of friendship.....of fun. There is a retelling of stories that I have told a thousand times before. {For history and context and because we are deepening} Only truth is told. Only the real. If I have experienced it, you will hear it through my lens. I will no longer try to make the story easier for others to hear. I do not need to protect you. {Being heard} The years of living from moment to moment...in chaos. Putting out fires. Tending to wounds. Holding the injured and the pain. The years of grief that seemed to be endless. {Being heard} Remembering the space between the knowing and the unknowing. And now the reprieve. I inhale. And now it is clear, after these weeks.
I am lightening. {Now I remember how it feels} In my gut, my heart, my soul. {Lightening up} Seeking adventure....travel.....joy. Connection.....vastness.....fun. I am seeking the feeling that comes after the laughter. I am bringing the feeling that comes after the laughter. I am that feeling. The exhale. The release. The lightness.
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“One day a hummingbird flew in. It fluttered against the window till I got it down where I could reach it with an open umbrella. When I had it in my hand it was so small I couldn't believe I had it but I could feel the intense life--so intense and so tiny. You were like the hummingbird to me. And I am rather inclined to feel that you and I know the best part of one another without spending much time together. It is not that I fear the knowing. It is that I am at this moment willing to let you be what you are to me. It is beautiful and pure and very intensely alive.” ― Georgia O'Keeffe  In 2006, I traveled to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a medical conference. This was a milestone trip, as it was my first time away from my kids (who were six and four years old) and Marc. I arrived in New Mexico and found space, solace, and sunshine. And at that time in my mom life, I didn't realize how much I needed it. With this breathing room, I began to remember who I used to be, before I was a wife and mother. I could feel her presence there with me in the desert. And with this space, I walked for miles, under blue skies and next to orange buildings. Just walked. And smiled. And breathed. And when I left for home, I knew that one day I would visit again. Two weeks ago, I returned to Santa Fe. A longing that I have held since 2006, when I discovered this heart home of mine. This is my sacred healing space. Full of messages, guides, and magic. Beauty, decay, bones, spirit and blue skies every day. And again I walked for miles. Walking meditation with all the tears. I was full of joy and sadness and grief and anger. I just let go. And fully surrendered. Something I rarely make space for in everyday life. And in that open space, I received.... Guidance from the universe. Healing love and laughter. A bathtub full of rose petals. Direction. Lessons in breathing underwater. So many horses and hawks. And Miracles. |
