"If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song." -Khalil Gibran
I am a woman conceived from hope, sorrow, wisdom and scars.
[Scar defined: a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound has not healed completely.]
I am a woman who knows the meanings of words like mediastinal, intramedullary, neural foramina, subluxation and hemiparesis.
I am a woman who reads and listens to the words of physicians, experts and professionals.
I am a woman who feels intensely.
In my cells, I hold markers of time.
In my cells, I hold memories of bad news, unexpected results and loss of control.
In my cells, I hold tightness, pain and fear.
My cells remember everything.single.thing.
I am a woman surrounded by shadow.
I am a woman haunted by dates and milestones and waiting and watching.
I am a woman who is connected through the cord of symbiosis.
Our stories are intertwined.
In the way that I hold and help her process her pain, the uncertainty, her anger and sadness.
And in the way that I own and deal with my own trauma, sorrow, loss of control and grief.
I am counting the minutes till I am needed next.
I am counting the days till the next hospital visit.
I am counting the months till the next MRI.
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It may appear as though I've got this.
What may feel and look like confidence to you, may be armor.
It may be me stuffing it down and soldiering on.
Or it may be the years of experience amassed in dealing and coping with this dance.
The years of living from moment to moment...sometimes in chaos, other times in stability.
In tending to the wounds. In holding the grief and discomfort for her, for me, for us.
And for all the unknowns of rare and chronic and progressive illness.
I am a woman on the path of impermanence. She is my guide.
I am a warrior who embodies fierce grace in the unknown.
Some days I am courageous. Other days, I am full of fear. But I am here.
I am a woman haunted by cellular memories.