I surrender

This week I named my fight.   Put it down on paper.  
My fight is the struggle between control/planning/being organized and letting life flow/be spontaneous & unplanned.  My fight is staying in the present, and not planning what is next.
Short version, I am a do-er who longs to live as more of a be-er. 
And there is struggle in that wanting.  
I wrote this on Sunday February 8th.

By 5 am on Monday morning February 9th, (also known as snow day number 5455), it was clear that I was very sick.  

Fever...chills...aches...intense head pain and nothing was staying in the safe container of my body.  It was not being a team player....my body was suddenly in full on revolt mode.  
How could this be happening?  I had a list full of things to accomplish on my already shortened snow day Monday.  There were painters coming to our house to give us an estimate.  There was an erroneous errand involving an egg baby swap for a 7th grade sex ed project.  How could I just power through? 

Every time I got up or moved around, I got sick.  
Each time I sent a text or responded to an email, I felt nauseous.
Every time I tried to tell my family members what needed to be done on the 5455th snow day of Maine winter 2014/15, I could not find my words, because I was too exhausted.  

I was convinced I was dying.  A bit dramatic in illness, I am.  

I shed tears and asked for help.
I slept.
And tossed and turned.
I listened to my family playing in the snow.
I released more that needed releasing.
I let it go.
I surrendered.  

And at 8pm that evening, I drank a flat ginger ale.  
And it was the most delicious thing that ever touched my lips.  
And so I surrender.  


xo - Kristen