Nourishing Kindness

"When you are compassionate with yourself, you trust in your soul, which you let guide your life. Your soul knows the geography of your destiny better than you do."--John O'Donohue

I recently made a wish on a cupcake.

[something that happens kind of frequently these days]

Or perhaps I set an intention [or hope] as I exhaled and blew out the candle, surrounded by people I adore and being held by their light, their love, their joy.

Wishes and hopes and intentions are kind of intertwined for me lately.  I made a wish - just for me - while embraced by magical walls, supportive souls and all the twinkle lights.

My wish was that I am as kind & caring to myself [or more] than I am to those around me.

At first, I struggled to claim this wish. I went into my head with old stories about worthiness, guilt & being selfish. I am actually really struggling with writing about it now, because I am anxious about how it will be perceived.

Because of my own resistance to it, I know that it is powerful and that my experience needs to be shared, explored and discussed.

I have been a caregiver, in some way, shape or form, for many of my 42 years.
It's part of who I am and is so ingrained in me.

I am the oldest sibling of four. Since I was very young, I remember wanting to be a mom.  It's one of my earliest memories. I am mom to two teens now - ages 16 and 13. I am protector and mama-love guardian to many others as well.

I love through touch, by paying attention & through my presence. 

I love by caregiving. I am a giving pro.


In truth, the ways that I love can be exhausting. It can feel lopsided and leave me feeling resentful. Some days I wonder if there is space for my needs within the needs of all of the pieces that I am balancing. Where do I fit in?

I remember that kindness to myself can come in tiny, precise action or in larger, spacious steps.
I remember that I get to choose. I remember that I can choose to stop mid-course and change directions.
I remember that I get to ask for what I need and want at any point in time.
​
As I notice how and when I am resentful, tired or overwhelmed, I begin to connect the dots. I notice that during these times, my well is quite empty. That I have been filling the glasses of those around me, but not my own.

With this awareness, I begin to choose differently.  To carve out time for myself [maybe 5 minutes or maybe 2 hours, depending on the day.] Knowing that it is up to me to claim this, to create space for it and to own it as my own.
​
By nourishing kindness for myself, I am nourishing kindness for all.
And so it is.
xo 
Kristen


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