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My hips don't lie. They hold tension, repressed emotions, anger and fear. My hips are shifting. Sitting outside with the dog. Hearing the sudden swoop of wings behind me. Turning around to see the hawk on top of the chipmunk. Watching as she flies away with her lunch. Choosing not to finish a book about grief. It was just not for me. Doctors say things to me. So many things. The family we choose. Making plans for adventures without rules or expectations. Lake longing. And just like that, the sunflowers are gone. Reading the marketing of someone who I have not yet unsubscribed to. Or unfriended on Facebook. Or perhaps it was a sponsored advertisement on Instagram. It was about living without fear - Living fearlessly. These days, I don't aspire to be fearless. Fear and I are often good buddies.
Thinking about all the the ways that I have quit. Thank you Isabel for the reminder. The memories that return after EMDR. Memories that are not directly related to what I am working through in therapy. Memories of people in high school who I have not named or thought of in over two decades. Memories of when the kids were very small. Taking down the hummingbird feeders. Washing them with bleach. Storing them for next year. Moving the tiny dead mouse from the shed. Burying it in a teensy grave in the backyard. Walking the beach four times last week. Noticing how good it feels when I make movement a priority. Unfriend, unsubscribe, unfollow. Making space. Watching the rain fall down.
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